In the year 1998 a young man named Mister Anderson lived alone in his apartment. He liked to hack stuff on his computer and then sell those hacks on his Etsy shop. But he was always wondering about a mysterious Dream Man and something called The Matrix.

One day some people came by to purchase some of his hackery. They noticed Mister Anderson looked tired and pale and they were all like, “Hey Mister, why not go do the party stuff with us!” And he was all like, “idk.” But then he remembered his computer told him earlier, “You go do the party with the people!” And so he went to that party.

While at the party, he ran into a woman. She was a hacker too, or at least used to be, but she went up to Mister and said, “Hey Mister, my name is Trinity.” He was all like, “Trinity who?” And she said, “Uhhh, Trinity Jones? Anyway, I’ve got the answers to your questions.” Something about the Dream Man and the Matrix.

So later on Trinity Jones picked up Mister in a car and said, “Like, hey don’t want to scare you or nothing but you got some kind of a robot bug in you.” And he’s all like, “I dreamed about a robot bug! That can’t be real!” But you know what? It was real. And they pulled it out of him. Which was good, because who wants a robot bug running around inside them. #amirite

After that Mister met the Dream Man. And he’s all like, “Here are two pills, dude. Which one are you going to take?” Because one was a rabbit pill and the other was a placebo.

Mister thought about it and then he ate the rabbit pill and then he turned into a mirror and then suddenly he woke up in a bathtub. And he was hooked up to all these tubes and wires. Then a big robot bug noticed he woke up and flushed him. And then he went down the water slide into a pool and a claw grabbed him and suddenly Mister was on some kind of space ship. Yeah, I did not get it either at first.

The ship was a big change for Mister, who’s real name was actually Neo and who actually was the One. The Dream Man and Trinity were on the ship. Also Tank, Rocket, Sprout, Blonde Lady, Other Dude, and as you might expect Bad Man.

The Dream Man wanted to train Neo. So he put wires in his head and zapped some Kung Fu in there. I guess this was some kind of standard procedure because everyone else got excited when they heard it was happening. They dropped their spoons in their Taystee Wheat and ran to see Dream Man and Neo fight.

At first, Neo wasn’t good. But then he was really good. He got a lot of arms and punched fast and everyone was all like WHOA. But then he tried to jump across a building and he fell down bad. And then everyone was sad. Especially Trinity.

Oh I almost forgot, there are these Men In Black guys who were also trying to find Neo. The Dream Man didn’t want them to get Neo. He wanted Neo to beat them. But nobody beats the Men in Black. You see one of them and you RUN.

Eventually a bunch of stuff happens and then the Bad Man on the space ship talked to the head Man in Black, Mister Agent Smith. The Bad Man was going to hand over the Dream Man in exchange for some kind of super rabbit pill. And so he told Mister Agent where he could find him.

In the meantime, Neo went to meet the Cookie Lady who could tell the future. She said Neo wasn’t The One but he should have a cookie as a consolation prize. Neo ate the cookie and felt right as rain.

But suddenly — WHAM! — the Men in Black attacked the space ship people. And the Dream Man sacrified himself so that Mister Neo could get away. But Neo’s all like, “No man! Don’t do it! I’m not the guy! I’m just a cookie-eater!” But the Dream Man wasn’t having it, and so he fought by himself. But he lost big time and he got caught.

Everyone else escaped, but before they could get back to the ship, the Bad Man killed almost everybody. Except for one guy who you thought was dead but he wasn’t and grabbed a space gun and — BZZZZZTTT! — he got the bad guy before Mister Neo died. Take that Bad Man!!!111

Now they had just one goal: get the Dream Man back. Meanwhile, Mister Agent Smith was asking Dream Man for his laptop password so he could somehow end this conflict. Smith was very motivated because he didn’t like the smell! But the Men in Black couldn’t break the Dream Man! Eventually Neo and Trinity showed up and shot off something like twelve billion bullets. But one of the Men in Black showed up and started shooting back. Neo dodged some bullets and then they stole a helicopter! And then after an exciting sequence, they saved the Dream Man!

You might think everything was over at this point, but you’d be so wrong. Because Neo still had to defeat the Men in Black.

He went back to a hotel to catch a phone call but instead he caught a bullet! Right in his chest. And he died! Oh no! But he didn’t really die. Because Trinity was all like, “The Cookie Lady said you and I would get married and so you can’t be dead!” And then Neo woke up! And then he doubly woke up because he realized the whole world was just glowing green letters. #wokeaf

But oh was Agent Smith pissed! He ran right at him to punch him. But Neo was not having it. Neo fought him. He fought him like without even looking at him. Then he kicked him down the hall. And jumped in him. And just, like, exploded him.

The leftover Men in Black saw that and they were all like, “We gonna GTFO now. kthxbye…”

Neo made it back to his space ship right after that. And just in time too! Because the giant metal squids that I forgot to mention earlier were tearing the place apart. With Neo back, they hit the red button and that stopped the squids and everything was okay.

At the end of the movie, Neo was talking on the phone and — you won’t believe this part — he turned into Superman and flew right into the sequel!

Okay, so that’s it. It’s a very good movie. I think you should see it.