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Are you reading enough? Probably not. Why should you read more? Because it makes poor pathetic souls like me, who like to write books, feel like we’re doing something useful. To that end, a number of “Reading Challenges” have been issued this month which I see circling around my writing community.

These challenges are typically designed to get you out of your comfort zone by listing a number of writing prompts. The “number” is often twenty-six so you can read one new book every two weeks. The prompts are in lieu of actual book titles, since it’s the only way to guarantee that no book on the list has already been read.

Here are some typical prompts:

  • A book recommended by a librarian
  • A book written before 1900.
  • A book longer than five hundred pages.
  • etc.

I already read about as much as my schedule allows. It’s typically in short bursts as I try to squeeze some time in between other events. I wouldn’t say I read a lot. Perhaps at one time I might have said that until I ran into people (lots of people) who say, “Oh, I read about average: like a thousand books a year.” Uhhhh . . .  I could do that if I did absolutely nothing else. I don’t want to do absolutely nothing else. I’m bursting with all sorts of projects I need to complete.

I’ve looked around at the wide array of book-reading prompts out there and believe me there are a lot of them. Seems like for every ten avid readers out there at least eleven of them have issued some sort of challenge and uploaded it to the interwebs. I would declare this is completely unnecessary except for the singular fact that I want to do the same thing.

I can’t read one book every two weeks, but I can probably read one every two months. And so can you! So here’s Charlie’s Reading Challenge for 2017:

  1. A book written in 1941 with exactly eleven chapters but over 200,000 words.
  2. Any book currently banned in at least forty countries.
  3. A book where the protagonist is a fourteen year old girl named Waldroop who is the mayor of a Midwestern city.
  4. A book about a group of seven kids doing nothing as they battle no one in a futuristic utopian society.
  5. One of my finished novels.

Hey, it’s not called a challenge for nothing. Good luck!

About five years ago I finally struck upon the diet to end all diets. For fast and effective weight loss, nothing beats chemotherapy. Many long time fans of my bloggin’ will know that “Return to Onederland” was a major theme for years. (For the uninitiated, “Onederland” is that magical place where your weight, in pounds, begins with a one.) I’d been there before, when I was younger, but I wrote a lot of words about getting back there.

Then suddenly, there it was! Never mind that it was due to a life-threatening illness. Psssh. Cancer? Who cares. Going below two hundred? Now that’s news. And so it was then and there that I vowed I wouldn’t waste that golden opportunity. That would be both the first and last time that I’d be putting the “die” back in diet.

And guess what? I actually stuck to it.

Wait. No I didn’t. I did way better than just “stuck to it.” After a brief upward spike during The Holidays that year (October 31 through January 2) I spent 2013 and 2014 continuing to work on it. I watched my weight fall: 195, 190, 185, 180, 175. Toward the end of 2014 I dipped to a low of 173.5.

Amazing.

Oh, if the story only ended there.

For whatever reason, 2015 didn’t go well. I gained a little — not a lot — back. But it all went to heck in 2016. And the part that bothered me most is that it didn’t seem to bother me. Not really.

I mean, my higher order brain functions cared. I said, “One ninety! That’s the absolute upper limit, Charlie!” And then when I hit 191 I thought, “You know what sounds good? Two or three pizzas! Because one ninety five: that’s the real absolute upper limit.”

When I hit 196, I thought, “Oh no. Danger zone. I’d better do something about that. Right after this giant bag of potato chips. Besides, everyone knows the real upper limit is two hundred.”

When I hit 201, I thought. “Crap. This is…” The next word was supposed to be “serious” but I couldn’t say it because my mouth was full of Chex Mix and beer. Still, I wasn’t too alarmed. Because, as everyone knows, the real upper limit was 205.

Interesting fact: According to the very first web site that came up in my Google search on the topic, it states that the “average weight gain during the four-week holiday period is actually closer to one pound than the seven to 10 pounds that many people believe it is.” Man, the one area I would love to be “average.” Gaining one pound every four weeks? Hell, by New Years Eve I think I was gaining one pound an hour.

When I went to bed very early in the morning on January first, I felt awful. Full. Sick. Bloated. Dejected (aka “the usual”). And it was then and there that I vowed I wouldn’t waste that golden opportunity of five years ago. It’s not too late.

But first, assessing the damage. I stepped on the scale.

Two hundred and fifteen pounds.

Sigh.

That’s over forty pounds in just over two years, people. And most of that was just in the last year alone. And most of that was in the last week.

What to do. What to do…

I wasn’t quite sure if it’s “New Year Resolutions” or “New Year’s Resolutions”. So I ran a web search and was slightly taken aback by the first hit: “50 New Year’s Resolution Ideas And How To Achieve Each Of Them.” What offended me first was the capitalization of And, To, and Of. But once I got past that I wondered, who goes out looking for resolutions? “I want to better myself in some way this new year but damned if I have any ideas!”

Fortunately (or unfortunately) I don’t need to go searching. Fortunately (no, I’m going with unfortunately now) I already have a list. It’s the same one I had last year. And the year before that. And so on. For anyone who loves the time-hop concept and is extremely bored today, feel free to look them over:

Granted, each year varies slightly. And a couple of those years don’t have any resolutions at all (rare showing of wisdom on my part). But there’s definitely a theme.

Which is why I was on the fence about doing any such thing again this year. On the one hand: what’s the point? It’s pretty obvious I don’t have any control over anything. Sure, one year there was that whole dumb cancer thing. And last year, a house move. But the theme is: it’s always something. And after a while you realize that the one constant is one’s self.

But as I realized last year, a goal without a plan is just a wish. The truth is, it doesn’t matter how many times I fall short. I still have to try. So let’s turn that frown upside down and list them here! If nothing else, I’ll have fodder for a future blog post, right?

1. Weight Loss

Ha. I thought my weight got alarmingly high last year. That’s nothing compared to this year. Not only did I not lose the twenty-five pounds I promised one year ago, I went up about seven thousand. This year’s goal: take one year to lose the weight gained the last two years.

2. The House

Three big projects here: 1) landscaping, 2) junk removal, 3) topping things off. We still don’t have any sod or anything in the back. My dream of getting rid of all the junk before moving was just that: a dream. Plus about a hundred other projects, small to medium sized, before I feel like we’re “settled in.”

3. Writing

One bit of good news: the book I was working on a year ago is actually about 95% complete. I had intended to publish it last September, but then realized this year would be better, and purposefully set it aside. Look for it in . . . April?

4. Music

My home recording studio is still just a pile of boxes. I will unpack and reassemble these into a studio and finish Connections which is a project now entering its third year. Gah.

5. Cook

I have a kitchen. I should use it more.

That’s It

Or, I should say “That’s Plenty.” I feel like I’ve already set myself up for failure, but there you go. Tune in next week for an update on Resolution Number 1.

Whelp, we’ve put yet another year behind us. And what a year 2016 was. “The worst” according to the wisest of all institutions: social media. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn’t. History will tell. (But if you ask me, 1349 might give 2016 a good run for its money.)

Like many others, this is a time where I look back and reflect again on the passage of time. Its pace continues to quicken and if I’m going to finish any of my projects, I need to quit wasting time on stupid things like eating and sleeping.

So without further pointless typing, let’s take a walk back through my 2016.

January

I kicked off the year by doing something really stupid. I turned fifty. Sure, it seemed like a good idea at the time but looking back on it, I don’t know what I was thinking. On the creative front, my meager accomplishment was starting this here new blog. But the house move continued to dominate all aspects of life.

February

Um. Let’s see. February. February. Spent forty hours working on the move. Went to work. Ate and slept some more.

March

March. Hmmm. Big month working on the move: 182 hours in all. This was mostly prepping the old house for sale. Stressful period. Biz helped. Thanks, B.

April

Okay, so now it’s April. According to Timekeeper, I spent 44.7 hours working on move-related stuff, but also have mysteriously logged 26.87 hours on one of my writing projects. I don’t remember doing that. I do remember eating and sleeping.

May

Logged over eighty hours of house-related work. Yep. Definitely a theme here.

June

And finally, the actual move. I “only” spent 140 hours on the move this month, but at least it’s finally behind us. Now there’s now just six to seventy-two months of unpacking and settling in ahead of us.

July through November

I blinked. What happened again?

Worked on the house. Dusted off an old book project and worked on that for NaNo. Went to work and ate and slept.

December

And here we are. For the first time in a year and a half I kinda sorta feel like maybe I can think about maybe sorta relaxing. That is, we’ve done the basic settling down into the new house and there are no more real hard deadlines to hit. The holidays are behind us and I think I’m ready for that fresh New Year feeling.

I’m definitely done moving for a while. In twelve months we:

  • Moved Sarah out of Austin and to Ft Worth.
  • Moved half our house to a temporary storage facility.
  • Moved the rest of our house to a new house.
  • Moved Rachel out of her apartment back into the new house.
  • Moved out of the temporary storage facility.
  • Moved Sarah from Ft Worth to Dallas.

I should’ve given everyone a head’s up: you could’ve invested in U-Haul a year ago and cashed out a fortune today. Oh well.

Whelp, that’s about it. I guess looking back on things, I really didn’t have much to report. Tune in next week for the ever-popular New Year’s Resolutions. (Sneak Peek: I’m planning on having a lot to report for the 2017 Year in Review post.)

Frank Capra’s It’s a Wonderful Life is a holiday tradition for many. Growing up, our family watched it every year, to the point where I think I could recite the entire screenplay for you. But there are a number of fun, behind-the-scenes facts about the movie that I’d love to share with you this holiday season.

  1. Jimmy Stewart’s role was initially given to Buddy Ebsen, but Buddy had to drop out to play the Tin Man in The Wizard of Oz.
  2. Bedford Falls is a fictional town but it is based on the real life city of Detroit.
  3. Henry F. Potter’s character was originally named Harry Potter, but Frank Capra changed it so that audiences wouldn’t mix him up with the boy wizard.
  4. Jimmy Stewart was forty-seven years older than Donna Reed.
  5. The actors playing George Bailey’s children are Jimmy Stewart’s real life children: Patrick Stewart, Martha Stewart, Rod Stewart, and Stewart Copeland.
  6. In spite of saying otherwise, Violet Bick always cared about how she looked.
  7. Every single actor from The Little Rascals has a part in the film.
  8. Contrary to popular opinion, Kermit the cop and Big Bird the cab driver were not named after Sesame Street characters.
  9. In an early version of the script, Mr. Martini’s bar was to be a front for a drug trafficking ring run by Harry S. Truman.
  10. The gym floor that opened over a swimming pool is based on a real life school gym that opens up over a pit of fiery lava.
  11. The Old Granville house was Frank Capra’s actual residence. They tore it apart and roughed it up for the movie. Fortunately, actress Donna Reed got everything fixed up again during filming.
  12. Young George Bailey always wished he had a million dollars. This is the same amount of ransom money that Dr. Evil wanted in Austin Powers. Coincidence!?

Well, I hope you’ve enjoyed my contribution to the Fake News machine. Why, it’s almost like you can’t trust the internet anymore. But I hope even more that you have a wonderful Christmas and get some well-deserved rest. Be sure to drop by next week for my 2016 Year in Review.

Charlie

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Time. I think about time a lot. You might even say all the time. My relationship with the concept runs from fascination to obsession. I can’t see it. I can’t touch it. But I can feel it leaving me in the dirt with every passing day.

Back in January 1999, I began a side project: writing time-tracking software. I was already a software developer and I enjoyed the time I spent crafting lists of instructions to make the machines do my bidding. It was at this same time my job implemented a new requirement: everyone start logging time spent on projects. I’d never be able to do that in my head and writing it down on a cocktail napkin seemed less than ideal.

That’s when Timekeeper was born. It began very simple, didn’t have a lot of features, but it got the job done. In 2008, I finally got around to writing Timekeeper 2 and then two years ago, in 2014, I topped off the most advanced version ever, Timekeeper 3. And because of this, I can tell you how much time I’ve spent on things. Won’t this be fun!

Project Hours
Timekeeper 3 802
Winter’s Gate (novel in progress) 725
Back to the Fridge 339
Upcoming “Cancer” Book 116
This blog post 2

But modern software isn’t the only way to sit back and ponder in awe about how much time one has wasted invested in their lives. Nope! You can also do it with period television shows and movies. For the sake of the math, let’s just assume it’s already 2017.

  • Gone with the Wind came out in 1939. It was about Civil War events in 1861. If this story took place today, it would be about World War II events in 1939.
  • If That 70s Show started today, it would be That 90s Show.
  • Same with M*A*S*H. Relatively speaking, that show today would be about a war in 1995.
  • If Happy Days started today, it would be about a middle-class family in Milwaukee set in the nostalgic era of 1998.
  • The film Animal House would be about a zany group of college students . . . in 2001.
  • And The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air? Will Smith today is 48: three years older than Uncle Phil when the show started. Mind. Blown.

I’ll leave you with one other fun fact. In addition to my fascination with time, I’m also fascinated by history (I guess the two are related). And when it comes to history, it gets hard to really quantify distances in time. Something that happened one thousand years ago vs something that happened ten thousand years ago is genuinely difficult to “internalize”. Once an event as passed, we tend to just lump them all together.

Take Cleopatra and the Great Pyramid of Giza. From our point of view, they were contemporaries: two ancient concepts that live in a vague and distant past in our collective memory. Except that by the time Cleopatra was born, the Great Pyramid of Giza was already about 2,500 years old. Which means that Cleopatra’s birth was closer to the founding of Pizza Hut than it was to that pyramid.

Wow.

As much as I like to think I’m smarter than the average bear, and on top of things, and possess lots of obscure knowledge over a broad rang of topics, all of this is overshadowed by how oblivious I am in general.

For example, today is Friday. Friday is when I write my weekly blog post. Friday is often the last day of the work week. It’s that day that until five minutes ago I would’ve sworn was Thursday.

See you all next week!

(Maybe)

Around the beginning of each October, I start thinking about NaNoWriMo. It’s like clockwork: right along with cooler weather, changing leaves, and stores heavily draped in Christmas decorations.

Pick a Project, Any Project

One problem. I wasn’t sure what to work on this year. After spending a million hours on the house move and another million at the day job, I hadn’t exactly put much effort into any fiction. In short, all my stories-in-progress sat exactly where they always sit: dangling in various states of incompleteness.

While trying to choose what method I would use to choose a project, a funny thing happened. The project selected itself: Winter’s Gate. I started this one back in 2010 and then picked it up again in 2012. I eventually dropped it for the same reason I drop every story: it wasn’t very good and I couldn’t figure out how to fix it.

But about halfway through October, something about it called out to me. “Hey, stupid!” it said. “What?” I replied. “Fix me!”

It’s a science fiction story, so I first had to fix the science. And I did, which boosted my confidence. However, that exercise left me with only a few days before November first—not a lot of time to fix the story.

And They’re Off!

NaNoWriMo 2016 began for me at midnight at a kickoff party in Austin. I stupidly used my laptop earlier that evening without plugging it in. So my battery was down to 19% by the time I arrived at the party. I thought, “Hmmm, I can probably squeeze an hour out of it.” But by kickoff time at midnight, it hit 3% and shut down.

Okay. No power. No story. I’ve had better starts.

I stayed until 1:30 in the morning anyway, scribbling on a pad of paper, just like writers did millions of years ago. I made a little progress. I also interacted with other writers and scored a bunch of leftover food from the potluck. I’ve had worse starts.

After that, the first few days of November went pretty well because I mostly rewrote the first few chapters that I’d already written. But by the time I got to the ten thousand word mark I was venturing into new and difficult territory. I had my beginning. I knew my ending. It was just that pesky ninety percent between those two points that was slowing me down.

Plan B

Clearly I couldn’t go on. So I stopped, took stock of the situation, and defined a new way to win: cheating. Haha. No, I redefined winning as “coming up with a solid, end-to-end, gripping, likeable outline.” If I could do that in a month (something I hadn’t done in six years on this story), I’d call it a win no matter how many words it was.

So I started on the outline, but took a wholly new approach for me: I wrote the synopsis for the last chapter first. Then I wrote the epilogue. Then I wrote a pivotal middle chapter. Then something before that and another thing after that. I hopped around in a completely nonlinear fashion, writing puzzle pieces which I would then assemble into a coherent whole.

And it was extremely efficient doing it this way (instead of writing perfectly-worded, completely-finished chapters, in order). Because if I screwed something up (an implausibility or other such plot hole) then it was easy to fix when it was just a couple paragraphs. And since I would instantly jump from, say Chapter 15 to Chapter 5, it was easy to plant seeds exactly where I needed them, while the ground was still extremely soft.

Final Stretch

It all pretty much came together on November 23. And surprisingly, I even had about 33,000 words down at this point. And here’s where I realized I could win if I cheated. Haha. Okay, yeah. Most of those words were meta-words. Not the story, but the story about the story. And often it involved two or more versions of a scene. If this were the final draft, I think thirty thousand of those words would be excised. But this is Draft Zero: where the author has to tell the story to himself first. So I didn’t delete anything. I didn’t scratch anything out. I just kept typing until I had built up a large pile of words. And, with a week left, I suddenly thought: I could probably start putting real words in with that 33,000 and get to the goal of fifty.

And that’s exactly what I did. I hit 50,277 words and got my third NaNo win in eight attempts. It was a strange and unorthodox journey, but I did it.

And I’m surprised too, considering. I actually spent most of the month on (surprise, surprise) getting the new house ready for Thanksgiving as well as the day job. So I packed all this work into early mornings and late evenings. (I’ll never understand why they chose November for this annual challenge. Me? I would’ve picked a month with thirty-one days and NOT one with a week-long traditional family obligation toward the end.)

The End?

Oh no. The end of NaNo is just the beginning. Draft Zero is a right royal pile of refuse. The story’s in there all right, it’s just buried in a jumbled mess. But I really finally feel like I have something viable.

Stay tuned! I should have something ready for everyone to read within the next one to seventy-two months.

When did “getting your steps in” become a thing? I can clearly remember a time–not too long ago, actually–where I never gave a second thought to how many steps I took in a day. But at some point (which I simply can’t identify, no matter how much Googling I do) steps became the latest fitness fad. Is this one here to stay or destined to join the ranks of Tae Bo, the Thighmaster, or vibrating belts?

If you’re into steps, you know that ten thousand is the number of steps you must take. Every device or app that counts steps agrees on this hard fact and are very explicit about it in the instructions. I opened up the help page of one app I tried and it said, “Thou shalt step to ten thousand, no more, no less. Ten thousand shalt be the number of steps thou shalt walk, and the number of steps thou shalt walk shall be ten thousand. Ten thousand and one shall thou not walk. Nor either walk thou 9,999 excepting that thou then proceed to ten thousand. Twenty thousand is right out.”

For me, ten thousand itself is right out. I set my daily goal at five thousand and even that can be difficult to reach on busy days. I sit for a living, plain and simple. And sometimes I sit a lot for a living. And I try my best to get up every hour or two, and walk out of my way when I can, but it doesn’t always work out.

So sometimes I turn to the internet for help. Because the internet’s been there. The internet knows. It has all sorts of helpful tips for getting steps in like:

  • Take the stairs instead of the elevator.
  • Park in the furthest spot away from your destination.
  • Pace constantly in the shower.
  • Plug your television into a generator attached to a treadmill.
  • Don’t fly to your next vacation destination, make a week of it and walk.
  • Learn how to sleep at night while walking on a treadmill.

Those little changes add up! I have proof from various friends and family members who routinely get in all the recommended steps a day and proceed right past ten thousand anyway. However, I believe that I have set the world record.

It was September 24, 2016. I woke up that morning knowing that today would be a day like no other. And I wasn’t wrong. It began at 7:45 and by ten o’clock that night I had broken that record: 18,000 steps.

“Eighteen thousand steps? That isn’t a record!”
“Hell, I walk that much before breakfast!”
“What are you going on about, Mr. Charlie!?”

I understand your confusion and will answer your questions. You see, this was the record for most steps in a day without leaving the house. Yep, over eight miles of walking in bursts of no more than thirty or forty feet at a time.

That was one day of housework I don’t feel like repeating again any time soon.

When we moved into the new house back in June, a thirteen month effort finally came to a close. I’m not sure what this process is like for others, but, boy we were sure tired after all that.

The immediate post-move plan was to get the essentials taken care of right away: the kitchen, beds, keg, etc. After that, we might take a couple weeks off to enjoy the summer and dream a little about what life might be like someday without a piece of cardboard in sight.

It didn’t quite work out that way. While we’ve accomplished a good number of goals in the last five months, this seems to be one of those things that no matter how many items you tick off that todo list, the number of things to do doesn’t seem to get any shorter.

Oh well.

We took the new home opportunity to update a few things around the abode, such as tables, chairs, and storage units. They’re the small things that really help freshen things up, especially after living in the same house for fifteen years (and with the same furniture for probably ten years before that).

But even with little things, the cost adds up quickly. To help stretch that dollar, many of these items were purchased at IKEA. (Fun fact: IKEA is an acronym meaning I’d Kill for Everything Assembled.)

I swear it feels like we make an IKEA trip at least nine times a week. Granted, most of the trips are supposed to be for something small or, more often than not, even to return something.

But I think those IKEA people pump something into the air there that makes unwitting customers believe they need more stuff than they actually do (IKEA is an acronym meaning I Keep wanting Endless Amenities). One time I had to pick up an extra rail to finish hanging some blinds and the next thing I know I’m heading to my car with a few Fjorrdøherkka, two Grogkrellvin, and a Snert. I don’t even know what the hell these things are. But I know I need them.

Hopefully we’re nearing the end of all this and we really can settle down and not be bothered by the infinite todo list. It will be nice to make a casual trip to IKEA solely to pick up a can of Lingonberry hash.