It’s the night before Christmas and here in my house
   Sit me and the kids and also my spouse.
We gather in front of the TV at nine
   To watch a great film for the one hundredth time.

With food on our plates and with drinks in the mix
   We pop in the disc for our annual fix.
The screen now aglow with that musical strain,
   It’s time to revisit the Parkers again.

With Ralphie and Randy, their mother and dad,
   Our family at home is now nothing but glad.
We’ll sit and we’ll watch as we’ve done now forever
   To see if this kid finally gets his one treasure.

Ralphie, the hero, wants only one thing:
   The greatest gift ever that Christmas could bring!
A gun that shoots BBs! Protects him from crime!
   With a compass-in-stock and a thing that tells time.

There’s only one problem here, right from the start.
   The hitch that stabs Ralphie deep down in his heart.
Guns are a danger! That’s all they’re about.
   As everyone tells him: “you’ll shoot your eye out!”

Adventures do follow, along his great quest
   Seemingly giving our hero no rest.
There’s triple dog dares, and hounds from the neighbors
   Increasing the strain of poor Ralphie’s great labors.

The old man he wins some big major award.
   Then Ralphie cries “fudge” and the old man is floored!
There’s school and there’s homework to throw him off track…
   And, geez! There they are! Those darn hounds have come back.

And who can forget, the neighborhood bully,
   Who torments all kids both cruelly and fully?
His young brother Randy, lay still like a carcass
   To defend his poor self from the likes of Scut Farkus.

At last Christmas comes, in boxes and bags.
   They tear up the paper and cast off the tags.
Will Ralphie now get his most sought-after prize?
   Will Santa have answered his long-running cries?

He digs and he searches, through gift after gift.
   He gets some nice things, though one has him miffed.
Set like a trap among all the good loot:
   Is a horrible, horrible pink bunny suit.

But soon it’s all past, the gifts they’ve all landed.
   And in spite of it all, our boy’s empty-handed.
Until the last minute — the Old Man’s so sly! —
   He spots one more gift in the blink of an eye.

Off in the corner, a box stands alone
   There, out of sight, how could Ralphie have known?
It’s the greatest gift that he would ever receive
   Who thought the old man had this tucked up his sleeve?

He unwraps it with care and then takes it outside
   So happy and thrilled — why we all could’ve cried!
Then with deadliest aim, and with nary a doubt
   Ralphie pulls on the trigger and shoots his eye out.

Not really, of course: the BB just misses
   He goes back inside where his mom tends and kisses
Leaving their supper downstairs and unguarded
   Ripe for those hounds to break in and bombard it!

With supper destroyed, the family gets dressed
   Hoping to salvage their holiday fest.
They find a great place where the staff sings a while
   Then brings them cooked rice and a duck with a smile.

The credits they roll and my family gets up
   We clean up our supper, each plate and each cup.
My clan is then off to sleep deep and sleep pleasant…
   Except, ’course, for me. It’s now time to wrap presents.